Why I didn’t come forward when I was raped…
He was the star quarterback
I was drunk and flirting
I didn’t say full out to stop for over an hour
I was a freshman in college
It happened the same week as 9/11
My boyfriend at the time though I had cheated on him at first
I was incredibly depressed
I felt isolated
Why I didn’t come forward when I was sexually assaulted…
He was my boyfriend
He was older and respected
I wanted to move on from the trauma
I felt ashamed I had trusted him
I felt little
There were too many emotions going on from being triggered about the rape
How could I have let it happen again?
I felt guilt and grief from these experiences for years after they occurred. What I regret most about that time is that for the reasons above, two other girls (that I know of) were hurt by these same two men. I offered to testify against the man I had dated when I learned he had done the same thing to another girlfriend and she was going to press charges (unfortunately that never happened).
Like the millions of other men and women who have suffered from sexual assault and/or rape, these experiences have been heavy on my mind in the past week. I have watched as incredibly strong women have risen from the bravery of Dr. Blasey Ford and have named their assailants and call out the absurdity of injustice that has occurred in this country. I desperately want to share in their bravery and name the two men who caused me harm all those years ago. I also know that both occurrences are beyond the statute of limitations in the states they occurred and so I struggle with naming them since I can’t legally hold them accountable anymore.
I find myself worrying about how naming them would affect their lives and the lives of their wives and potential children. It sounds insane as I’m even writing it! THEY raped and sexually assaulted ME, and I’M worried about THEM?! WAKE UP, SARA!!!!! This is a perfect example of how generations of silencing and belittling of women has made it seem as though this isn’t a real issue.
NEWS FLASH - It’s ALWAYS been an issue. As I watched the Committee hearings this week, I was struck by how many white males kept talking about how this needs to be a more dignified process, yada yada. There has been talk about mens lives being ruined by the "#metoo movement. Kavannaugh himself said, “What goes around comes around.” Truer words have never been spoken, Brett.
I’m truly sorry your life is in shambles and that your wife and children are having to deal with the repercussions of your behavior, however, there is nothing MORE dignified than a woman or man standing in their own power and speaking their truth to the world. The atrocities that have been occurring to women for millennia have been trust into the headlines because of the outrageous behavior of the leader of the U.S. It is time for victims of rape and sexual assault to regain their own dignity and shine a light on their trauma so that we may all begin to heal.
I have always been open in sharing my own trauma in hopes of helping just one other person process and heal from theirs. Here are some of the things that helped me (over many years) heal from being raped and sexually assaulted.
People who loved me enough to be a rock I beat myself against. I made countless mistakes, leaving pain in my wake. The anger and pain inside of me was a mirror image for my actions towards this group of people. No matter what I did, and even when I completely sabotaged a relationship, those people remained a safe space for me. I will never be able to mend some of those breaks, and I regret the pain I caused every. single. day. I am also aware, however, that the anger and pain needed to spill out of me while being held. Those who held space for me during that time gifted me the chance of release.
Removing myself from triggering environments. My first experience happened in the first month of undergrad. A year+ later, after spiraling down a depressive rabbit hole, digging deeper with alcohol and drugs, my parents graciously pulled me from what had become a prison of constant fear and pain. Had I remained in that environment - as toxic as it had become for me - I fear I would not be sitting here today.
Therapists who listened. The first therapist I saw after being raped told me I just needed to, “get over it.” Brilliant! Why the fuck didn’t I think of that?! Let’s just say rage followed that encounter, quickly followed by cinder-block walls being built around me. Thankfully, the next therapist was much more supportive and helped me move through the initial trauma.
Finding somewhere I felt safe and could thrive - Sweet Briar College. An environment of all women students tucked into the foothills of the Appalacian Mountains. A place with one main entrance and a guard shake. Most importantly though, it was a place I didn’t have to encounter either assailant.
Talking about my experiences. Even though I wasn’t comfortable pressing charges, it was cathartic for me to tell my story (and still is, thus this post). What encouraged me to continue doing this most wasn’t the TMI looks I got from some/most people… it was the acquaintance talking to me later in confidence who thanked me for saying what I had because they now didn’t feel as alone. To know I have helped even one person by using my voice to express my experiences, helps me to feel I’m not alone and encourages me to continue creating a community of women and men who could change the future for my children.
Finding someone who respected and loved my body, and saw it as something to cherish rather than to hide in shame.
I was listening to a podcast by Christine Hassler yesterday and she said something that struck me.
“The hurt of others is not your responsibility.”
I know these words to be true in my core, and I am still finding it difficult to type two names here right now. For my own healing, it’s time to empower myself… Tim Booth and Rex Bevis. Holy shit that feels good - I can’t wait to see how I feel when I hit ‘publish’! If you are working through your own feelings right now as sexual assault comes to a head in our country and would like to work through things so you can move on to your higher self, reach out to me to set up a one-on-one by emailing me or setting up a Lightworker Session.
Love + Light,
Sara