You know the feeling when you decide to do something and then it succeeds? That’s me today after an amazingly intimate first Rooting Mom workshop last night.For the first Rooting Mom, the topic was mom guilt. We talked about the definition of guilt itself, examples of when we’ve felt guilty as a mom, and whether or not there was actually something to feel guilty about (think about it, what wrongdoing are you making when you have to ask for someone’s help outside of your family?). Then we talked about an even more burdensome word – shame.
A lot of times, shame masquerades as guilt.
GUILT: the feeling of remorse and responsibility for a wrongdoing. An awareness that your actions have hurt someone else.
SHAME: how you feel about yourself; a painful feeling arising from the knowledge of doing something dishonorable. Feeling like you’ve done something wrong or that there is something disgraceful about you as a person.
After we talked about the word shame and compared it to guilt, each person shared an experience where they felt ashamed and why.
Some examples from my own life included:
Getting an epidural in my first delivery (not that I have anything against them – it was simply not something I wanted to have to do if I could help it the first time around).
Letting my emotions get the best of me with my kids when I’m tired.
Not being able to breastfeed either of my girls, despite being a lactation counseling educator and postpartum doula.
In the midst of a fibromyalgia flare up, not being able to stand and hold my screaming then three-year old because of the physical pain and exhaustion I was feeling.
I am always humbled by the vulnerability individuals are willing to share with a group of like-minded souls. One of the most powerful shares came from a future “mom club” member. When she began her share, she mentioned she was going to talk about something “less emotional” to use her words than another topic she could have shared. She opened up about how she feels deep-seated shame about her desire to be a stay at home mom when the time comes for her to have children. At a time when women are rising up, taking back our power, upsetting the status quo, and breaking glass ceilings one after another, she shared that she feels ashamed and that she doesn’t feel like she is allowed to want what she wants. By wanting to be a stay at home mom, she feels she isn’t supported by the women around her in her choice, simply because of the revolution we are currently in.
This breaks my heart on several levels and is an amazing example of how our individual shame can be internalized and fester. To me, the rising up of women and crusades like the #metoo movement are driving forces for women to be whatever they want to be without judgement. To be free from limitations whether at home, in the workplace, or socially; to stand in our power as physical examples of the divine feminine while garnering respect for our minds, bodies, and spirits; to live our lives free of shame that comes from simply being a woman.
But living a life free from the chains of guilt and shame for any woman, mother or no mother, is easier said than done, right? This is because shame and guilt are conditioned behaviors. They are something we’ve watched generations of women before us carry, and we have learned by example. I for one say it’s time for us to put an end to this cycle so the next generation and all those to come after won’t have to carry these burdens in the same way we still do today.
Stepping out of the shadow of shame and guilt starts by living in accordance with your values as a woman or as a mother. While you may know what things are important to you in life, when was the last time you reflected on what your most basic values as a mother are? I say as a mother because our values are fluid as we move through life stages and can even differ from one role to the next; i.e., as an employee versus a mother. I want you to take the next few minutes to find what values resonate most with you as a mother. Move through the steps outlined below with the list of words you see and come back to the post when you’re done.
Step 1: Read through the list and don’t make any marks or changes to start. Add in any you feel may be missing from this list (it’s okay if no additional words come to mind).
Step 2: Put a star next to ALL of the values you feel are relevant to you as a mom – even if that includes every word listed.
Step 3: Look at the words you put a star next to, and then cross out all except 5 of them. I know – it’s so hard! Think about what words can roll up under others for you; for example, happiness and joy are similar, which resonates most with you; knowledge and wisdom are also similar and could roll up under one another. Think about the five values that resonate the most with you as a mother, those qualities you want to bring to your family’s life.
Step 4: Now cut down from 5 to 3! Put a circle around the three you are keeping and cross out the two you’re not. I know this is super hard!
Step 5: Finally, you get to keep only 2 values. Tap into your divine femininity and feel which resonate the most with you. These values will shape your children – none of them are right or wrong, it is whatever resonates most with you.
Now that you have your two values, do you feel like you’re currently living in alignment with them as a mom? I was surprised to end up with Gratitude and Perseverance when I did this exercise myself, although when I take a step back and think about some of the stories of shame I shared earlier, I can see these values standing strong.
When I had to get an epidural in my first delivery, I felt ashamed because I kept asking myself, “Why can’t you just tough it out?” The same was true for when I was in the midst of a fibro flare-up and couldn’t stand up and hold my screaming three-year old at the same time; “Why can’t you just tough it out for her?” The shame for me was, why couldn’t I just persevere through those tough times?
That’s my inner critic speaking. The insecure part of me who feels like she has to be tough as nails 24/7 even in the midst of situations like those two when I was physically drained and feeling all-the-feels. If I take a breath, however, and a step back, I can see that I was living in accordance of my values.
I labored for 36 hours in my first delivery, was 12 hours in, and far past the max dosage of Pitocin when I finally asked for the block. I successfully delivered a healthy baby girl after pushing for four hours and came away personally unscathed physically.
When I was in my fibro flare up – I’m human. I was still holding my child and giving her love and support, simply from the floor. I was doing all I could in that particular moment and persevering through the pain and emotional roller coaster of my threenager to show her I was there for her no matter what.
What are some things you feel guilt or shame for since becoming a mama? When you reflect on those moments, were you living in accordance with your values?
Take a step back, and give yourself some grace.
Look at what you were able to do, not what your shortcomings were. As long as you are living in alignment with your values, guilt and shame will become a thing of the past. And once we can put that phase of women’s history behind us, imagine how much brighter not only our futures will be, but also those of our children!!
Light + Love,
Sara